And there sat the one who never spoke a word and yet her word spoke volumes. Her name wasn’t anything, it was only a story and yet she held the mask tight to her furrow, buttons for eyes, “unbutton me,” she wrote, to him the only one she thought was alive. She sat in the field, like an animal while the flowers rode her back and she imagined him more, the only real part of her that nothing could find. The trees stood watching and the sound was silence, his silence the birds that hung still over her head, the light shook and nobody moved. “I think he’s coming,” she said to a flower and the earth smiled and lit up into song. Only she could hear. A maddening story, the horse that nobody wanted, invisible in the field and dying invisibly in the song. “Soft and dark,” she whispered like a butterfly nobody felt. The flowers fall and cover me until I carry them home, he is waiting like the trees and she knew, she couldn’t carry this invisible mask forever. “I would wear the black one,” she thought, he would know then what to do. “Bright, you’re bright, I’m tired of writing,”
…writing it down inside stars that move. The light points into the dark of now, unknown his throne of her in the sky. There would be no looking back, no cloud that meant more than the black burning star she rode wearing flowers. The white horse laid down and dreamed him again, for the lonely, yellow girl no one saw. And the story was that she was, a rare unspeakable bird and the idea was that he was her song broken open from tears. I do believe in tears, they brought me to you, the mask I would imagine could touch me, under the rain, inside the flowers while everything shook and my heart was alive only in his dreams. “But I’m real.” she thought as she turned the pages she had written. “But he’s real,” she thought as she imagined the tree would listen and absorb his body like rain. I could form a sentence with your eyes, I could see the sky and know you. Stormy, not gray but black made by me, midnight black and haunting my words. Words of mysterious, traveling love. As far as the eyes can see, he lifted me like moon vapor into the other world where I wrote you, she took me, under the world into this shadowy love. You knew me as I spread my wings and cried the world alive again. The other world, the blue sea dolphin world, the world as two bodies touch inside, inbetween, the flowers…I could touch you there. Wet with heavenly light, with stars that drip like pearls from moon water. I could hear you like the waves hitting the body of her. “They might say I’m death,” I whispered, “and they might say I’m you.” he replied…
he became as I cried into a cloud as white as his feathers. Dark Angel. Venus died. Her words found you, burying her body in soft mourning light, remembering me lost in the flower, written by you, the hand of God…I knew you loved me when you touched yourself and I cried.
A whole world was inside my head by now orbiting you as it’s mask. And I took off my face and you stood holding flowers like perfectly ruptured gods of light. And everything shook as I died in your arms.
In my story it’s all you, even the invisible threat at the end when nothing moves but memories, back into the forgetful sky, and I remember you forever as the only one I ever loved. As myself.
As we approached the dark castle in the twilight, me hanging like a moonlit snake in his arms, delirious and yet lucid, like a bright dream he carried me through the winding paths of flowers and fruit, of wild birds and my simple white thoughts of him being Pan and me being loved, he yelled out “Enki.” into the empty sky and within moments Enki appeared slinking out of the shadows. “Enki, have her bath prepared in my chambers. Have dinner brought to my room.
Have my bed made for her as well there.” “Yes, master.” Enki replied and was gone. We walked in through the back entrance and through the castle we moved room by room, then as we approached the two spirals of stairs, one going down into my room and one going up, we went up. He carried me up the spiral stairs and we arrived at a large, gothic looking, black door with a big iron handle. There was a sign above the door that read, “All ye who enter here, abandon hope.” And we entered and a sudden hopeless love flooded every cell of my body for no reason at all except that I was with him in his room and he smelled like smoke from a fire. I could barely lift my head to look around as he carried me through his chambers and toward what was the bathing room. What I saw I can only describe as exactly how I experienced him. Black walls and floors, glowing from no obvious light source, just a pale moonlight sort of sheen as if there were opals hidden in the walls. The ceiling, walls and floor all aglow in a dim and bewitching light. The furnishing was dark, sparse and elegantly simple. A large, round bed with a deep red blanket spread across it, a small dark couch, a black wooden table and a chair. In the corner near a window covered by a deep red velvet curtain was a black, onyx scrying bowl filled with clear water and across from that a large ornate oval mirror. There were white orchids filling the room, and a large, polished black rock fireplace with flames going wild inside. Then, I felt a moon watching me, and so I looked up and saw a magnificent skylight etched out of crystal with soft rainbow light prisms swirling from the shine of the full moon’s face looking down from above us. His room was exactly as I would have seen him turned inside out. The room smelled like roses and lavender and that’s because as we entered the bathing room there were roses and lavender everywhere. Filling the white waters, there was a pool similar to the pool in my room but instead of a dragon on the pool’s edge, there was a giant white marble swan in the center of the pool with a hooded, black marble cobra rising behind her. They slowly circled as white water dripped from the cobra’s fangs and white water poured from out of the eyes of the swan as tears would. It was exquisitely poetic that even in my delirium, the beauty of tears and poison did not evade me, and what it meant, and how I saw him, struck me deeply until tears began to rise from my heart, tears I swallowed that I know he tasted as he looked at me and smiled without moving anything visible. I felt him inside as a white healing elixir. I knew as he saw me, that he saw me inside the mythic rain of the swan and the cobra. “Can I set you down here? Are you able to walk?” He quietly asked looking deeply into my eyes waiting for my answer as if my words meant more than they were. “Yes, I can walk.” I replied. And so he gently placed me on the steps to the warm white water pool and said, “They will be here to help you with your bath, but for now you can enter the water.” The sound of harps saturated the air as I slowly moved step by step into the water, the white water blanketed in luminous flowers and one by one four beautiful fairies appeared, the most beautiful ones of all. The fairies humming gently around the edges of the pool as I descended into it’s healing waters.
He stood watching her long, naked body moving gracefully into the bath waters and even now after all of this darkness had engulfed her, she was as radiant as any swan could ever be, she seemed to float with a body of skin that was lighter than even the feathers of the fairies. He watched her from behind as she moved down, thin and ethereal like an orchid waiting to be fed by the sun, he wanted to feed her anything and all of him. And as she stood alone surrounded by nothing, he heard her humming so sweet and innocent that he only wanted to die into her voice for all eternity. She had no idea of the mystical powers she so effortlessly held, no idea that he was her flower, her cobra, her devoted consort for life.
After my bath, the fairies wrapped me in a soft, white shawl made of cashmere. A shawl that went all the way to the floor. They brushed my hair and did not remove the diamond amulet, they put the oil of roses on my neck and the top of my head and that was it. I had no clothes only a shawl, like a blanket that covered me. I was weak, tired and hungry. My entire body was surrendered in a love I have yet to understand, but I’ll try by saying, I left myself like a bird and flew to the crystal ceiling and I watched him make love to me without touching me at all, with every light, every sound, every moment the ecstasy of his soul infusion, his ground beneath me, his heaven that lifted me and kissed away death. His eyes in the water, his hands upon the swan, his love for her body, his poison drinking her flower, his everything in the mirror of water, his muse in the crystal, my voice in his heart.
Until he touches me, I won’t eat a thing. I have no food, this starving lamb without him. Blood in the water, bitten by snakes, hard cobras wrapped around my neck, eyes that have raped me. With him, everything was gone. I stood gazing into the water as the fairies sang my song. When I heard the door open I turned and there he stood holding out his hand to me. “I can eat now.” I thought as I took his hand and he led me to his bed. As I sat on the bed, the fairies came from behind and more entered the room until there were at least a dozen. Bringing food, lighting candles and lanterns everywhere, pulling down the blankets for me, “You will stay with me tonight.” He said motioning with his eyes for me to lay back against the pillows.
He sat on the edge of the bed holding my hand just looking at me the way a mother would look at a hurting child. I felt so bare, exposed, more than a naked body, so painfully vulnerable, in a way so raw, I felt desperate. I didn’t know how to deal with these intense feelings he so effortlessly stirred from the depths of my soul. So I just exhaled and closed my eyes, holding back strange tears, I held his hand with both of mine and I stroked his hand as I inhaled his love. His love for me, although I was starving, was very disturbing, like a probe going deeply into places more comfortable to remain hidden. He was a sorcerer, and although at the moment he was to me, a man that I loved, I should not forget the seduction he is capable of. Myself being a virgin in white, myself being as black and worn as death, myself being as hollow as a flower with no fragrance, myself being as wet as the morning dew and as burnt as the fires of hell. “How could anyone ever love me?” I thought as more tears were swallowed. “It isn’t hard.” He said, “To love you Ambrosia. To swallow your tears as if they were nectar from the gods.” I forgot he can hear me. “Yes, I hear you.” “I hear you too.” I whispered inside to him, as lost as I could be in having no place to hide. “It’s alright,”
He spoke gently. “I’ve always known you.” And he handed me a glass of blood red, magical wine. Which, without any hesitation I began to drink as if I were in love with no hope at all. Hopelessly seen and heard in every dark crack and hiding place. “Abandon hope, your heart is mine.” Blood red wine. “Drink me all.” I heard him like a shadow in the crystal sphere. “Then eat me until there is nothing left. Then fill my hollow corpse wth your poison and tears. Then ride me straight into death my beloved white storm. I can feel you coming. Ambrosia, Venus who kills me.” I looked at him as I swooned, asking silently with my eyes, “Did I just hear you?” He replied with only deep silence, his eyes folding into mine until I saw nothing but the swelling sky, until I felt nothing but his rising thunder.
I would wear the black mask. I would defy death by not stopping. I would love you to die quickly and forget the colors, even black. I would curse and scream and strip my eyes bare of fear, I would love you to become a face again. I would feel nothing only cool wind and handshakes, I would turn my smile into a skullcup drinking upside down the blood of your Jesus. I would love you just to taste his lips on mine. I would only run, I would never walk. I would stop from even sleeping. I would love you to be tired one more time, to sleep inside of you dreaming of God. I do not turn around. I know who is behind me. I would look for you there and go into God’s shadow. if your lap was warm and your eyes were inside me, I would never rise again, you would be enough to die for…
deeply white light, move into me.
I would love you there.