I’m on my own and I realized that long ago. With this knowing naturally comes a certain amount of anxiety and borderline paranoia – kind of like a little dog in a big house. You know, a lot can go wrong. Still we do what we must to be here. To make a difference somehow.
I am nothing
I am the empty sky
and emptier than that
I am a broken dream
the colors of nothingness
the sounds of silence
I am the sky
who holds the dream
of the nothing
I am not
I don’t want to make this blog an autobiography or story about me.
I’m not about me…although the attachment has a powerful attraction..
it’s about everyone in the eye of the needle even if we’re too blind to see it. We’re stabbed and sacrificed within our very own natures. I don’t want to make this about philosophy or God concepts even though that tends to be my direction. How else could I make it through the wrath of my family inheritance?
I’m with me. And together we go to many scary and sublime places. That’s all I want to talk about, the story of the dream. How I got here now. Maybe it doesn’t seem like much and maybe you can relate. …but we both know what we’ve conquered and what and who we’ve chosen to love beyond all odds… that point of absolute panic and elation all at once. We should talk about this. That sacred place of nowhere called letting go. We’re on our way – and its a long way down…
(It’s also a crime and a punishment of unknown origin and yet my struggle to find the culprit knows no end)
I’m 43 years old w a 2 ft scar up the center of my stomach and I don’t want to talk about the reason. It’s wasn’t a disease in case you’re wondering and I’ve never been pregnant. I’m obsessed with my body but not so much now…now that it’s falling apart, now that it’s been broken. I’m not a fool to hold onto something I know with certainty is not me. (my body now looks back at me in the mirror like its a flimsy piece of paper) I look in other places at myself (for real) now. When I was child my parents would weigh me and discuss my body shape and appearance. My mother was a chronic dieter with an eating disorder. I never became bulimic but have however, been known to starve myself in order not to be “fat” my self image is a disaster. I can’t see clearly and I know that. I’m trying to free us but it’s hard. We need to find a way to love the ugly one. The fat one. The one the ghosts can scare and control. Maybe we should stay off the scale. This is going to take a really skilled soldier to win this battle.
We can’t find the heart of the fat person. We only judge her big thighs. I can’t let you be a prisoner anymore. Don’t pretend it’s not you,
I know you see me.
We must love our vehicles and care for them with appreciation. We must feed ourselves everything we need. We must find love for our bodies beyond appearances.
We must stop beating ourselves to death. We should rather die peacefully to the lie we are caught in. Just let go. We’ve been lied to about everything. There actually are no rules or qualifications
to be beautiful and to be loved- to be spiritual- to be enough. Just let go. Its our discovery. Its our choice. Just let go. I stopped holding onto my fear and still it calls to me every chance it gets….
the answer is, just let go….again.
I write the truth because it caused a lie. I suffer for you so that we can be free. Even though it’s a mess, this searching for what’s been lost in the
wreckage. If we don’t find freedom, wherever she is…who will?
The truth is, I don’t feel good about any of this. In the name of nobody I went searching. Out of me and into you- straight into glamour’s hell. (please don’t take it personally)
None of us are real and we know it.
But what will it take to stop posing for the camera? What will it take for me to be willing to sacrifice everything for you, my beloved and wretched companion?
Do you see what I’m trying to say?
Let’s go there now, into that place of
nowhere- in between- caught and gasping for the breath of life. We should be free no matter what it takes. We should cherish our battle scars. We should be stronger.
I don’t care if you like me, though I may be your only friend. I never like to talk about myself as I am a secretive person. I reveal all for you.
The reason is, because it’s all I have to give you. It’s Christmas today.
I want you to know what’s possible.
We can come back up after going down. We can retrieve what’s been taken. We can make it worth something better. We don’t have to be victims and don’t say you’re not.
We all are. (for example)
I was a stripper and drug addict for a year. I also lived in an ashram in India. I went down into myself and then I went up out of myself – that’s what I do. I keep doing it. I won’t stop until I’m dead (and I’ve been pretty close more than once) It’s second nature. I am not a judge. I am a hero. I will not stop until I reveal the jewel in you.
it’s a journey and it’s a trap. It’s an endless road and it’s the final culmination of every step we’ve taken. What’s not important when
I will make us beautiful in the most sublime way. I will make us shine.
I vow that the mud we rise from will become flecks of gold. I vow that the
sewage we stew in will become a churning river of rainbow light.
I vow that we will be the givers and not the takers.
I vow that I vow for your true love.
There’s a couple things I do good- I survive and I tell the truth. (the tantric alchemical equation)
I’m writing to you because I’m looking for you and I hope you come out of the herd or the fog, so that I can see you. I really mean you are the one –
and it’s my search and my heartache and my fantasy.
If I can’t find you, who can?
If I can’t feed you who will?
If I can’t free you we stay stuck forever.
So together we must give birth from out of the thickets and thorns -from out of the assault of becoming a new being- a beloved twice born.
It’s the truth I tell just to say “hello, you aren’t bad. I’m worse than you.”
It isn’t real- this blood in our shoes.
my burning heart was running to the
light and when she slipped and fell
she found you. So now we rise together like the sun on Christmas morning. We open the dawn with a smile. We hug the ugly who never leaves. I love her. She isn’t ugly. She’s my allegiance to the horizon.
She’s who I follow through the storm.
I love you and I won’t lie. I write this for you because you’re never alone.
My little crooked cracking mind
spoke and said you need me so that I can be free to roam the sky.
(It’s this witches broom that sweeps
the answers toward us)
I am happy to meet you-even if only as an idea of who you must be to relate to me. We are never alone.
(by the way, this isn’t a blog for women this is a blog for you and me)
Today is the initiation of this reunion. The rites of illumination.
We will talk about what gives life-
nourish yourself. Stop resisting.
Listen to your own voice.
Just let go.
Come back again my friend.
I will be here.