Everyone left and I’m leaving too, a small face on the floor. Nothing last forever, not even grief. This music, celestial music. I hear it playing and I listen. A body of song softly flowing to the end, open eyes. Sinking to the bottom, this heart that could see. And forget you into the vastness of everyone, even me. Stones on the floor of this song, a pact masquerading as an island. Tiny island under dark clouds of mine, a small forgotten face. A smile that hid the mourning, everyone’s morning and mine too. A cold faucet ran, I left it running. A muse down the drain, bathroom sink. He stood so tall for a moment while the rest of us laughed, shrinking violet. A cold shaky day. I left, yes I left forgetting you as you forget me. In through the doorway I walk, in my hand holding knives of all sizes, faces big and small watch me, getting ready. I said it’s you, it’s only ever been you. Flowing, this thing I write hoping to see, this heart I hold hoping to feel, this rain I am hoping to fill the world with you. Me, nothing but me, one step further through. This emptiness echoes, this touch aches of another, this celestial pit reeks of dark nights. Dirty girl on the floor, hands tied where you left me, waiting like a fool. Desperate and shining for God. Yes, the only one I am sure isn’t real while I pray. Nobody understands anyone, why not knock a little bit harder, dream a little bit faster, pound her a little bit deeper. Cut faster. Bone finger touch her, pointing her delicate body in the direction of nowhere, just below the navel of a God who never knew me but took, took my eyes and my mouth. Took my shaking and my skin, took my pulse. My bloody wind, broke my already broken promise of a loud light. A song, I mean a word that lasts forever, such as love or revenge. Demon footsteps, out the door. Searching moonlight, flashlight. Listening, he’s coming back. Everyone stopped, the little face of the world. Tear back the blankets, I am underneath, inside the earth of this body. Calling like an animal in a night so dark, you could never find me. Alone, behind words and dresses that blow in the breeze, a beautiful flowing song, a lie draped over a sinless body, sadness myself, who used to be crying, now quiet, ending. Only an outline, where we once lay. This scene was graphic, vivid. I told the whole story. She’s dead. He’s dead. Everyone read it, it’s over now, boring. A new girl is on the way. The world was dirty, unclean with no God who knew me, not even one. There is no hope, no somebody. No warm breath on the flower anymore. Stupid flower, it means song. Celestial, means it might have been real, like my prayer or my body of words. But no, it’s another illusion, lips kissing paper. Rocks weighing down a violet surge of imagination. Like there was a pure love from this flesh, a pure taste of pain from this water. A pure note in this song. Knots tie, they tangle, destroy. Never hear each other until it’s too late and sound disappeared into hallways between worlds. Tiny memories of you, eyes. Lonely little body leaving me, this racket of world. All alone, lying on a cold floor begging for death to be mine. Love me one more time. Nobody sees or hears, there is no law to break. Weeping for the dead, who cares what you think. Push me further into space, earth holds me everywhere. I was there, with you. The sun melted because I was hot. The moon froze because I grew colder than everyone, I died in the heart of a faceless tiny world. A muse flew through an empty sky above me declaring heaven should be here, a halo should crown even the one who failed to be loved, to love an unheard prayer. Words fade and get lost in me. Your shadow, the haunting of this animal who owns my soul’s body, could bring light into density, could speak from beyond the grave. Worlds apart, tiny useless forgotten worlds, small hands holding precious babies made of stone, it was me. All my lonely musings that I might not be alone, floating, dying, unheard, unfelt, unseen, untouched, ever by God. Even you. A bird flew through me singing and the world never had a bird. Feathers, a death made of flowers, soft friend. Lonely somewhere else, I die far away from my body and yours. It’s this distance that pulls and aches us back again, floor bodies groping skin bodies. Seeds under the floor listening. I came back looking for this, what might be hidden in this. Place of sheer panic because you’re gone and I’m buried.
Some would imagine it’s called making love, but I would call it resuscitation or body snatching, maybe spirit possession. I would love to be you. Everyone, I’m leaving too. My eyes, blank eyes. No more vision, only circles in the endless rain. Prayers to God who hears in tears, I fall. I try to love, I die. I try to leave at least a little flower you can love back. It’s useless, but I am a sort of a bird who does miracles. It’s all my desperation, my blurry knife cutting for hope. Feather body, flower body, anything but a hollow bone. That sound, I hear him in the wind who lifts death from heavy into light. I hear him, you broken bone heart. Become me, don’t leave me. Wash over the end with forever. Just another body of words drown in a faceless tiny place, my island of hopeless love as big as a statue of God in the middle of the universe ocean. Stars like fish shine as I see, it’s all real…again and again. Swimming, she can’t stop. I think I should try. To find myself, to end the search. There is nobody anyway, everyone died. And I don’t know why.
Except that God got tired of words, and I got tired of making noise… Sharada Devi
P.S. FUCKING NOISE. Black noise. Shut up. Fuck the words, my mouth into the empty dark, fuck the pictures, fuck the songs, fuck the meaning lord of pearls, fuck the moral, fuck the mission, fuck you, giver my eraser. I’m already fucked, lower than the ground I pluck from, fuck it’s lifeless, that’s my grief. Prayerless, soulless, fuck the seed. Fuck, nothing grows here but pain. Fuck, stop fucking like you think it matters. Play it out, run the show, slam the door. Fuck the end. It’s not even a word that works, fuck. It’s only my way to say pain is numb, fuck it’s numb, fuck it’s pain. Fuck me. Numb. Pain. Fuck. Ending the sorrow, fuck that fucking lie. It’s never ending fucking. Fuck that hurts. Black cunt, hard sound making holes. She fucks guns. With a pretty fuck me smile. I’ve done this like the full moon giving blow job after blow job to midnight, he used me. Fuck him too. Liar! She came over and over again. Bright and as horny as ever. Fuck her. Fuck them both. Ok, that’s my actual message. Clearly it’s full of light.
FUCK DEATH TOO.