womb swamp

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only in the lonely breath. the sound of me, you never left. i inhale desperately. nobody comes, i collapse into exhale and it all seems the same. even before i was born and the snake became the snake. even after i left to come here and she waited, legs spread open in agony. i knew they all cared, i knew they all needed. me to believe once again in the house and the trees and the way all mother’s smile when they really believe you’re theirs. but i wasn’t, not like that. but i wasn’t not in any stretch of the word, this world. anybody’s. nobody’s at all. and so the snake uncoiled and i began twisting and sucking because of course that’s what’s expected until the pretending is perfected. and our eyes didn’t match. but i knew it and they didn’t. but their’s a hole in your head that shouldn’t be here, now. now that your mine. umbilical cord left unchewed. I cut you myself out of this mold. and so the coil seemed to spin from my stomach, the central hole of the sun straight back into a heaven so dark i forgot very quickly. slowly remembering nothing but her rules. how i become you like a rock under water. how nobody cares how long it’s been since i’ve taken any breathe resembling anything even slightly alive. that i’ve been spit out of the dark hole only to fall, sinking deeper into another ethereal swamp made of her hair strands, her breasts, the smell of her mouth. no, i did not stay opened. i closed just like everybody. i laid like a slimy corpse at the bottom of her need and i sucked like she taught me and i gradually became everything she left in herself undiscovered. like his love, his brave beatings, his gunshots, his hatred, his other gifts to this world. this fire above us, where the sun aims from grows colder as days become days to me finally and hours become something i count, forgetting entirely that my heart actually beats and i’m actually only a shot in the dark. a bullet meant to kill almost anything. anything breathing on it’s own i mean. without me controlling this world and his demons. she could get hurt. it’s her i came to protect, pretend, mimic, secretly annihilate, pledge allegiance to, get inside, seduce, destroy. put her face under mine. behind me. in this invisible water. “get down below me satan and give me what i want.” that’s what i said once the hormones kicked in. “give me her, deep inside, the need. the lust for murder, the child who can’t go home. give me dominion over life and death. give me seeds and men who cannot stop thrusting, give me the light of the sun, give me worlds buried in my water. down below get back inside little one. this is me remember the game?” however, he wasn’t really who he claimed to be, in the end. you know this don’t you? i was actually the redeemer wrapped in her blanket of blood. i was growing, taking over her body, inside. eating everything. her life became mine. it’s the journey isn’t it. that’s how i describe myself in every book and yet, still. nobody reads a word upside down. where i hang all my secrets, tips of broken letters, like a T for example. or an M. the S is for the way it really is though. turned on it’s side. until the game is seen as the insight. until the flip is so real, nobody gets out but up and through. shot from the mouth in my head into the sun where he belongs. not all alone with the petrified moon. oh no, because truly she’s always afraid of the dark. that’s why she gets underneath him and begs for children. his bright children, so she can eat them and shine with their light. she hasn’t anything of her own, but anyone she takes becomes the pain that grows from movement. it’s this water inside the canal, the womb swamp filled with our vitamins abc. it’s the food in our head we can’t eat but keep vomiting. it’s the pain in her first eyes, i saw them even before my first breath. i saw her looking at me with pain and hunger. “will you love me?” she asked. birth, the moment of truth. “will you feed me?” she asked in a voice without words. but i knew who she was. and i was the one, still breathless and covered in her ownership blood. and the needing began. it is me. i am the heart breaker. born in images of sin and fascination. existing solely to destroy the demon whose sperm created my very own baby hole. i am here looking for him. getting her out of my way. deeply wanting this new strand of mother to be known. underneath the letters i write, spelling words. she hides and i know this. i am a hunter, a ruthless mouth of light. he brings me everything as gifts, like a devoted cat. it is the feline and the serpent that i know as my parents. that god or satan didn’t do much. that it’s all my little sin, that my first word was not mother. that it’s a secret. and i do this because i’m lonely and everyone wants to know. the secret. the password. the love in her useless eyes. i want him to know, there is no one but me. black songless widow. filled with pets and jewels of the deep. this family living inside this house surrounded in trees. where she is born, gives birth and dies. “his name, what is his name, does anybody remember at all?” and the question is, how i got here. a stainless and perfected sinner, spreading trouble and diseases filled with enlightened killers. my children, my bloodless people of the dim. between heaven and earth. between moons and the sun. i wait for no one. i see everyone, like a word never spoken. or a heart never broken. and so what i’m saying is i need you to find me, in the darkest of my secrets. so dark i won’t even say it out loud. inside me. he waits for the dawn as if the light could hide his love. do you understand this deity,
this love so intense my breathe leaves me and moves into you. at last…?

sharada devi

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3 thoughts on “womb swamp”

  1. And high on snow covered mountain she is — radiant Bodhisattva — a relic of the forgotten holy name of an echo of OM and in the hustle and bustle of endless suffering there she remains — watcher and redeemer. She within and I bend and surrender more as she chants through shadowed broken bones.

    1. underneath the mountain.
      deep in the earth.
      below birds, skies and hope.
      there is the word, the seed
      a star inside the secret.
      growing…fire moves, only fire.
      is what it takes to give.
      the vow who is eternal,
      so even in secret we do the killing.
      for the benefit of all sentient beings.

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