mere gurudev, my heart bone.

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Somewhere I sing to the deep dark below. Where I haven’t found you. Yet I call to the place so below. Me. I grow faint like the light. My life underneath, without even you to fathom. My song to the deepest of me. In your face, in the memory of your glance. When I knew you, I thought I knew you. Lost, under me. Drowning in then. When I tried to make everything happen for this. Sound that got smothered in unstruck bodies. They all come back. I told you they would. And goodbye. And your eyes are old and forlorn. And goodbye to the blue ache. I was once there. Trying to reach you. Singing a song you never heard. It was me. Alone. Me waiting. Me alone. Tearless crying. In a grief too consuming to separate from. Watching you watch me, but never seeing me. Whoever, however I become the thing you need. See how the dream becomes lucid. When I as the unforgiving wasp grasp your wrist and say, “Don’t you ever forget me.” I didn’t even know that was me back then. “She’s coming back,” I said and you only laugh like I’m stupid. She always comes back for what’s left. Behind her I wait. The circle of vultures are approaching. I did everything I could. I struggled with God. All for you who was only a shadow of that lonely me. Goodbye worn out world. Goodbye sad memory of the memory. Goodbye dream father. Clearly, I love you, who you never were but I saw you there. In that lucid water where you cry his name beyond even names. Reaching for me ever through time’s baited strands. And so thank you. My deepest, misunderstood love is forever tangled in you…so that even sleep is an endless curse and the light entering my eyes means being in a edgeless death too vast to embody with certainty. And yet I move and speak as if I am that death. There is no home left for me, and so I float even above the vultures searching for the you who will never be devoured by the sharp shadow looming. This is the body of my unfailing earth love for you…and I am here. Reaching down into everything recreating you, finding what she embraces to be all things. Even the most hidden will never be lost in me. Even the most hurting will never be unloved by me. Even I, as frail as the dying wind will never stop howling for your light, to love me back, mere gurudev…

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In the barren land she undressed herself, fertile to the bone. She lay awake upon the earth alone,
suffering for the dead and dying. All in me, I cannot eat. Full of death and bodies churning. Floating on the lake, ghosts older than even time. What I cannot know is coming in the moonlight and golden bodies upon the surface. Black twisting snakes crowned in the fallen stars. This is where they live, inside. This is where she goes naked to feed the hungry, herself. To the ghosts that float upon the water she watches as the moon exchanges itself with the sun and life sets another body free into death’s milky black lake. I mourn myself and all the deaths within. I write the words that will find me someday, nearer to you. Moon on the water, that unforgettable face. Keeps changing, leaving me slowly dying into a dream of myself. Asleep under water, majestic and writhing to the ghosts of the deep that slither through water. The serpentine bodies that live under the moon, bearing the sun as he reaches, into her pulling out another bone. Piece by piece I fall, little star. Blood on the mirror. So you wouldn’t understand how gods underwater are made, from within. I hold you, drown you in deified pain. I twist you until you burn. I lay upon you until you are still. Starving ghost, food body. Nothing left but my indescribable love. Love which is only a thought that dies underwater. She fell, through the earth mind and the lake was the sky where the stars held the person together long enough to be given. To the night, the night she left behind. Hiding here, inside of me. Heir to the throne. Pale blue body, I live underneath you, deep in the hole. I want everything. Inside of me, waiting for morning as if an ancient bird could be heard. There is the sound of wings, but no song, only howling. And I understand you. I really do. This lake is my stomach and I can’t sleep. Not while they roam suffering with no one to hear them. Hungry. I feed myself to you. All you ever wanted was me at the bottom of this blackness, giving you eyes of light that were unafraid of the snake that lies coiled and waiting for another beautiful naked girl to fall like a star through this heavy sky. Into the center of the molten spiral. The world that goes downward where she is the fire queen that drew the star where he waits on the floor of these waters. Where love is real and so devouring as if there was nobody ever there at all. No cold girl clinging as his body winds around hers, no black serpent, no golden weaving thread. Nothing but stillness and me. I do see you, I really do. Hear the sound…

mere gurudev, my heart bone. Sharada Devi

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9 thoughts on “mere gurudev, my heart bone.”

  1. Mere GuruDev….

    You two sang this lullaby at the last retreat in Mount Shasta on the very last day. I dreamed it the the night before (REALLY!!!). I cried with joy in amazement! God speaks through you, I know it!

    Tryambakaṁ yajāmahe sugandhiṁ puṣṭi-vardhanam
    Urvārukam-iva bandhanātmṛtyormukṣīya māmṛtāt
    Boorbhuvassuvarom joom saha houm om

    So much love, every day, I sent to you two, at Lake Atitlan….this past week…constantly checking the weather and praying for each and every soul attending your lovely presence in what must’ve been heaven on earth. SO much love…every day… I miss you both.

    Not sure, but I followed your schedule from Mount Shasta retreat…(two hours prior here, of course)…sending you love and being there in Spirit. So much love…so so so so much love….I have not stopped….chanting and praying for you and everyone. I was and have been in tears constantly…is it supposed to be like this? I know that is a really dumb question, because…IT IS WHAT IT IS.

    I want so much to be with you both again.

    You speak of India. I don’t know when you will go.

    My parents are so very old and I am visiting them as much as possible before their passing. I am going in April, July (their 70th anniversary), and in October for my mother’s birthday (God willing). They are in their 90s. I love them so much….I became so very close to them after I became an adult. We bonded deeply, processing a lot of pain from the past, and clearing it we became…like really, really great friends…(they would be my friends, even if they had not been my parents). I love them so much…and someday…I know…soon I will have to let go….my heart aches because I know we all must go…and I pray for so much…and just pray my prayers are heard…..my mom is in pain…her mind…her body so feeble. My Dad is crying all the time because the love of his life is gone while still in her body. He is SO alone and has no one to talk to who really KNOWS him. I talk to him about God…but it does not sink in. Please pray for them…will you?????? I love them so much.

    I send my love over the mountains, over the sea, and into the heavens……..

    Tryambakaṁ yajāmahe sugandhiṁ puṣṭi-vardhanam
    Urvārukam-iva bandhanātmṛtyormukṣīya māmṛtāt
    Boorbhuvassuvarom joom saha houm om

    Love,
    ChandraMA

  2. The full moon rising out of the lake of lotus light. The floating lotus Guru sits in rainbow rays of Nowness. This life is the door to the pure land as we slay the mind. She dances in the sky, just above the wolf star sirius. Come home before it is to late, go down into the dark serpent lake and bring up the jewel. It is the sound of the silence in the heart of the Guru, breath of Ram, breath of the Mother light.
    Swaha Sharada Devi Swaha
    bhagavan das

        1. Better than Heaven or Arcadia
          I love thee, O my India!
          And thy love I shall give
          To every brother nation that lives.
          God made the Earth;
          Man made confining countries
          And their fancy-frozen boundaries.
          But with unfound boundless love
          I behold the borderland of my India
          Expanding into the World.
          Hail, mother of religions, lotus, scenic beauty,and sages!
          Thy wide doors are open,
          Welcoming God’s true sons through all ages.
          Where Ganges, woods, Himalayan caves, and
          men dream God –
          I am hallowed; my body touched that sod.

          – Swami Yogananda Paramhansa

  3. Beautiful Dakini that dances upon the blue lake in the sky, with a red hibiscus in your roped hair,

    When you said I needed to write about the message in the photo on my phone… Words found me early this morning.

    Buoyancy left me
    When she pulled me down
    Don’t touch me I said
    But I didn’t mean it…
    Into the warm green
    Murky water.
    Drowning wasn’t death
    But a purge, of what could
    Never serve me.
    Choking didn’t hurt
    The burn made me
    Remember that I have
    A voice, ancient as
    Hearing the earth’s moans
    From inside the lake.
    Home. Home. Om. Om.
    She took me down
    To the darkness
    So I could see the
    Light.
    In her womb, black
    And silky, throbbing
    Ebbing bright red.
    Reborn.
    Back on the path
    The white snake is
    Wrapped around me
    Spiraling…four white eyes
    Looking at me , watching
    Protecting. Knowing.
    My past has guided me.
    I had to die to find my voice.
    She knew, holding the
    Crystal Dagger.
    Now I know.
    I feel holy.
    Sharanam Ma.

    🌺Om Mani Padme Hum,
    Kamala Devi

    1. You’re so sweet and perfectly soft.
      You really pierced the veil this time…
      beautiful and powerful voice.
      Come to India Sept 4-15 Rishikesh!

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